We tend to think of communication in terms of words. Spoken words, written words. Words whispered in tenderness, words shouted in anger.
But quite often, humans communicate through the words we do not say. Silence is not simply the absence of communication.
Silence tells a story. Silence speaks.
Monastic Silence
Popular culture has given us the image of monks and other religious orders taking complete “vows of silence” to achieve greater spiritual purity. While this is essentially a myth, most monastic orders have specific times and places during which speaking is not permitted. This is governed by precepts such as the Rule of St. Benedict, authored by Benedict himself in the sixth century.
The purpose of this disciplined approach is not to discourage or eliminate communication altogether. Rather, it is meant to reduce idle chatter and make communication more deliberate, thoughtful, and contemplative. A person who does not speak, or who speaks infrequently and with spiritual purpose, is less likely to boast, curse, or utter other sinful words.
Some orders also believe that silence fosters improved mindfulness and enhances the possibility of divine inspiration. Psalm 62 from the Old Testament, traditionally attributed to David, begins, “For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation.”
Since at least the 10th century, many monastic orders have used simple sign languages during periods when speaking is prohibited.
Silence as Ostracism
Few of us wish to be embroiled in a heated argument, or to become the target of insults. But it can be just as hurtful, or even more so, when words disappear altogether. When the silent treatment is administered, withdrawal of speech becomes its own species of communication, and the message it sends is a harsh one.
Social psychologist Kipling Williams, Distinguished Professor Emeritus of Psychological Sciences at Purdue University, has extensively studied the effects of ostracism and social exclusion. His research has demonstrated how profoundly being ostracized can inflict emotional pain and negatively impact one’s self-esteem. He and colleagues developed a computer-based experiment called “cyberball” in which participants pass a virtual ball back and forth with other players. Unbeknownst to test subjects, other participants are following a script and will eventually exclude the subject, only passing the ball to each other. Even in brief experiments, the game has been shown to increase feelings of sadness and anxiety among excluded participants.
While ostracism is hurtful, this is not always its intent. The Amish practice of meidung, or shunning, is reserved for those who have been found in violation of the Ordnung, a set of church and community rules and customs. Though opinions differ on such spiritual practices and their impact, shunning is often described as an act of love, meant to encourage repentance and reconciliation.
Respectful Silence
Spitefully ignoring or ostracizing someone can demonstrate contempt. But silence in other circumstances can denote reverence and esteem.
After wars, terrorist attacks, disasters, and the deaths of prominent figures, it is customary for communities to observe a moment of silence. The purpose of the silence is not explained, nor does it need to be. It is an instance of solemn reflection and acknowledgment. By remaining quiet in solidarity, the group shows its respect for the fallen and those impacted — in some cases, with more eloquence than a prepared eulogy ever could.
To interrupt a moment of silence with an inappropriate word or noise, as was done by some fans during the recent FIFA World Cup, is considered the epitome of rudeness. The custom in such instances is to shush the offending party. The traditional finger-to-the-lips gesture may have its roots in Ancient Egypt. The Greeks saw depictions of the child-God Horus with a finger near his lips, which in Egypt denoted childlike qualities, and misinterpreted the gesture to represent silence. Horus evolved into the Greek and Roman deity Harpocrates, associated with secrets and confidentiality.
Versions of this same respectful silence show up at other moments. During ceremonies and rituals, such as military honors or the lowering of a casket; in courtrooms and houses of worship; in libraries and museums. In such settings and during such observances, by saying nothing, we say all that needs to be said. I find it fascinating that silence can be insulting and cruel, or courteous and devotional, simply based on situational context.
Perhaps this is why silence is such a uniquely human form of communication. We are highly attuned not only to words, but also to their absence. We notice the apology that is never offered, the text message that doesn’t arrive, the greeting that isn’t returned. We register what is said and what is not said, and usually with the same acuity.
Communication is often described as an exchange of information. But whether we are a devout monk, a frustrated spouse, or a respectful mourner, the words that are not exchanged speak volumes.
Sometimes, the absence of a message is the message. Sometimes, staying silent is how humans communicate.